I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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