My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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