Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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