life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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