We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Randomize
