you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
