they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
