i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
