I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
