theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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