He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
