guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
