you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I won the penis lottery.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
