i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
