i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
