i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My vagina is officially offended.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
