Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
