I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
