Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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