my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her vagine was all disorganized.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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