just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
