Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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