Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
