She's JV to your varsity
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
