Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
