i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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