im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
