Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
