I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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