I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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