In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
