I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
