Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
where are my eyebrows?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
