she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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