Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
