Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So squirting runs in the family.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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