Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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