i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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