I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
