Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
