I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
