He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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