i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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