zippers are such a cool invention
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I think i got beer on your cat.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
