He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fill condoms, not promises.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
