Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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