Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My vagina just clenched in fear
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