last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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