Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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