I am in a vortex of obligation.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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