So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
