I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
