OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
