That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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