I need help removing her.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
