we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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