Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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