how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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