all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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