Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
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Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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